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Christian Quips

Quips are short statements or stories that catch your attention.

Here are a few that came to our attention:

Don't let your worries get the best of you; remember, Moses started out as a basket case.



Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.



Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisors.



It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.



The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
 

When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.



People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.



Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.



Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.



If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it already has.



God Himself does not propose to judge a man until he is dead. So why should you?



Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.



Peace starts with a smile.



I don't know why some people change churches; what difference does it make which one you stay home from?


A lot of church members who are singing "Standing on the Promises" are just sitting on the premises.



We were called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.



Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He'll clean them.



Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.



Don't put a question mark where God put a period.



Don't wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.



Forbidden fruits create many jams.



God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.



God grades on the cross, not the curve.



God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"



God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

He who angers you, controls you!



If God is your Co-pilot why not swap seats!



Prayer:

Don't give God instructions, so just report for duty!



The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.



The Will of God never takes you to where the Grace of God will not protect you.



We don't change the message, the message changes us.



You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.



The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:

1 cross + 3 nails= 4 given.
 

When we get to heaven how will we be able to know who is Adam and  Eve?

No Belly-Buttons

A Catholic priest and a Methodist pastor from two local churches are standing by the side of the road, feverishly pounding a handmade sign into the ground with a large rock. The sign reads:
 

As a car speeds past them, the driver yells, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

From the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash. The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

An elderly woman died. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."



A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered "Call for backup."

(Its the Christian thing to do.)

There were four country churches in a small TEXAS town: The Presbyterian Church , the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church and the Catholic Church . Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels .

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter

This may This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas.
There are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get their chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to consolidate their offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casino of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks
 

UNBREAKABLE

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the 'beginning'."

"Oh, is that so? Tell me..." replies God.

"Well, " says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man. "

"Well, that's interesting . show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh no, no, no..." interrupts God,

"Get your own dirt."

The Sin of Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark Chapter 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark Chapter 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 Chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
 

Waking up for Church

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not goi30

ng."
"Why not?" she asked. I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"

The Picnic
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

The USHER
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.
 

Show and Tell
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion. The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

The Best Way To Pray
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Goat for Dinner
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news". 

The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. 

The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
 

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because     attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign..."Energy
efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on the    exhaust."

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a     long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
   
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my     business."

People want the 

• FRONT of the bus; 

• BACK of the church and 

• CENTER of attention.

Somebody once figured out that we have 35 million laws trying to enforce 10 commandments.

"Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world:

• there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "GOOD    MORNING, LORD", 

• and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "GOOD LORD, IT'S MORNING."

 A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because    he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a    note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block10      times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US  OUR    TRESPASSES."
   
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with
this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

This page updated on Thursday, June 07, 2007 06:21 PM
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