Humor Pages
Updated Friday, October 20, 2006

 
From the Mind of a Child 

Children hear everything. How they understand it is a totally different matter.

Some examples follow:

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.

As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."

 

One Sunday in a Midwest Cit y, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.

The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
 

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping ."

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.

Then something fell out of the Bible.

He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit".

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping befor e jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
 

Six-year old Angie, and her four-year old brother, Joel, were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.

A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."



A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. *

*The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."*

*The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

 COMFORTING THOUGHT

Sunday, after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear.
 

DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said:"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn .. and into the hole he gooooes."
 

NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you
ever seen a little boy before?"

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4 year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone t o talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle."
 

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

 "All right children, let's take another example,"  she said.  "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?" 

 Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife"

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" 

 Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
 

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."  

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to  "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked
"Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" 

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."  

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. 

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" 

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife." 

A little child in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed the offering plates. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear "Don't pay for me, Daddy, I'm under five."

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was surprised at his ready response. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." The mother began to swell with pride, thinking her son must have felt "a calling." "What made you decide that?" she asked. "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-six-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who pass trash against us." 

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me," the father replied. The boy watched his father in silence for a few moments, then asked, "Then why do you keep crossing things out?" 

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

After the christening of his baby brother in church, a little boy sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you and Mom!"

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see . . . and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot."

The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trap door and announce, "I ascend into hell!" A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. One day the actor playing the part became ill, and another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, "I descend into hell!" the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled "Hallelujah! Hell is full!"

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?" 
   
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten
 boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
   
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

A father was approached by his small son, who told him proudly, "I     know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "So, Son, what does the Bible mean?"     "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving    Earth.' " 

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the    lesson was about. Daughter answered "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts". Needless to say, mom was perplexed. Later in the day, Pastor
stopped for tea. Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school  lesson was about. 

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming". Now it made sense.

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures 
      of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by 
      Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an 
      airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to 
      represent. 
      "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see ... And that 
      must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. 
      "But who's the fourth person?" 
      "Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot. 

Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers." 
 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' " Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied,  "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!" 

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

This page updated on Friday, October 20, 2006 01:59 PM
Bookmark this page for your convenience