Human Concerns

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Prior to the age of two, children do not have a concept of death, according to Carol Staudacher, author of Beyond Grief: A Guide for Recovering from the Death of a Loved One. Ms. Staudacher conducted extensive research in writing her book. She maintains that a child’s response to death will vary according to, among other factors, the child’s age.

Although all children develop individually, between the ages to two and four, children do not generally understand that death is permanent. Ms. Staudacher uses cartoons to illustrate how young children react to death. In cartoons characters are smashed and seemingly destroyed, yet miraculously survive and go about their business. To children real people can do this as well.

Telling young children about a loved one’s death requires special sensitivity, attention and awareness. According to Ms. Staudacher, the following guidelines may be helpful:

• Use language that is appropriate to the child’s age.

• State the facts plainly and leave out philosophical, religious and sentimental references.

• Tell the truth about the death and identify the cause of death without giving unnecessary or disturbing details.

• Allow the child to release strong feelings, which may include fear, anger, guilt and confusion.

• After sharing the most important facts about the death with the child, allow the child to take the lead and ask questions.

• Answer the child’s questions openly and honestly, and remain consistent in the information you provide. Death is confusing enough to children without their receiving contradictory information.

When a child loses a parent or other close family member, obviously the child’s life is deeply impacted by the loss. If a child loses a parent, for example, the child may become extremely fearful that he or she will lose the other parent.

When considering whether or not to allow a child to attend the funeral of a loved one, consider that researchers have found that children get a more concrete sense of the permanence and finality of death when they attend the funeral. Also, the child is given the opportunity to feel equal to other family members, which can enhance the child’s self-esteem. Children who attend the funeral are able to see how much their loved one was loved by others as well.

Children have vivid imaginations. Often their fears about death are far more disturbing than reality. All children are different. It’s important to tune in to the individual child and assess how he or she appears to be dealing with the death. Knowing that fear, which often masquerades as other emotions - anger, indifference, shyness, sadness, - is the most common reaction for a child to have towards death allows you to assuage the child’s fears even if those fears are not actually articulated by the child.

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