Human Concerns

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Condolences 
And Dealing with Grief

Has a family member or someone you know experiences the loss of a loved one through death? We would like to offer some thoughts and ideas you may wish to consider. We hope they are helpful to you.

Should I call or visit right away?

Yes, telephone and ask how you might help. Don't assume that all the help necessary is available. It never hurts to show you care.

What should I say to "Make it Better"?

You cannot "make it better' and should not try to do so. Grief is a very painful process. The wound will eventually heal but the scar lasts forever.

I didn't go to the funeral or respond right away, is it too late now?

It is never too late to let someone know you care about them. A written note about the deceased can be a lasting memorial that might be saved for generations.

Is anger at God normal? How can I stop it?

Anger is one of the stages of grief and is very normal. God understands and loves unconditionally you can too. Talking about it helps dissipate the anger. A good friend will listen and not be judgmental.

When will my friend return to "normal"?

Grief is a process that cannot be rushed. It will probably take at least two years and maybe more to progress through its stages:

Shock, Pain, Fear, Anger, 
Guilt, Loneliness, Acceptance, Recovery

Progression from one stage to another and back again is not unusual. Be patient and understanding. Most of all be there and care.

Is physical pain common during the grief process?

Yes, after the initial shock wears off, real actual physical pain is commonly present.

A father cannot understand why his son suddenly died and he develops headaches; a new mother loses her infant and experiences pain in the crook of her arm where a baby should rest; a widow develops chest pains and describes it is "heartache." These are not imaginary aches and pains. The pain will eventually end as the person progresses and becomes involved in day to day living. A physical exam may be helpful in assuring the bereaved that they are not developing a severe disease.

I find I'm avoiding a friend who is mourning, I'm uncomfortable. What should I do?

Avoidance only adds to the pain that is already present. Treat the bereaved as a normal person. Do not pity them. Now is when friends are most important. If you don't know what to say be honest and say just that. Don't turn away, they see you and know you see them also.

Why won't my sister listen to me? I know what's best for her ... I know how she feels.

No one knows how another person feels. What may seem like the perfect solution can be like a slap in the face when someone is grieving. Respect the right of the bereaved to grieve. Listen to how another feels - you just might learn.

It has been quite a while and my friend is still not himself. What can I do?

Encourage others to call and visit. Maybe a list of support groups would be helpful now.

What is "unresolved grief"? What can be done to finally resolve grief?

The term unresolved grief refers to a situation in the grieving process when someone becomes "stuck" in one or more of the stages of grief and is unable to move on to full acceptance of their loss. The ability to once again live life fully with a sense of joy and accomplishment becomes impossible.

Professional help or a support group is often helpful in working through that stage of grief which someone is unable to resolve themselves. The grieving process often takes at least two to three years. Prolonged severe grief for many more years may indicate unresolved grief.

Is it true that children forget quickly and don't grieve very long'

While children have a shorter attention span and appear to forget tragedy and pain, they actually grieve for a much longer period of time than adults. This is because they only grieve in short spurts. Remember children are people too, and go through the same steps as adults in accepting death and recovering from grief.

Should children be included at a wake and/or funeral?

Children should be told the truth about the circumstances of the death and be allowed to participate in the decision of their involvement. As with most major events within families, a funeral is a time of coming together to share, comfort, mourn and express love. Children should be encouraged but never forced to participate.

My child seems unusually distraught since the loss of a loved one. Should I worry?

Children can experience acute feelings of anger and guilt because they feel deserted or that they may have somehow caused the death. 1f there are extended periods of abnormal behavior, professional help may be necessary to help your child accept the loss. Some danger signs:

Depression: 
loss of interest in daily activities, or grades in school drop dramatically.

Fear: 
problems with sleeping, eating or a great fear of being alone.

Regression: 
acting younger for an extended period of time.

Isolation: 
withdrawing from social activities or school.

Imitation of Deceased: 
preoccupation with deceased and/or repeatedly wishing to join the dead person..

Extreme Anger: 
behavior becomes belligerent and uncharacteristic.

11/28/99

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